(monday post. quite late >.<)

Yes, guess I'm back doing bogs again since I've got nothing else to do right now. With so much energy in me right now, I just don't know we're to pour it all out.

***

I had a couple of drinks with Mark, Carlos and Ryan last Saturday night. It was a surprising invitation from mark since we can hardly even contact him nowadays. It was a long night for me that I'll never forget because I consider these guys as family. Whenever I'm happy or down, I would find them waiting for me to call them in case I need them and I couldn't ask for more than that.

***

More surprises came to me when mark started to talk about his recent escapade with a girl whom he though Mrs.. Right. I guess I'm not alone in this world after all. We had a little talk about it and I just let him do it all. I sense that he really wants it out whatever that is bothering him right now. As I listen to him, I can't help but wonder why does every time a person tries to love someone whole-heartedly, they end up being lost or left behind. I just can't seem to find the logic in that, although I'm trying to learn or should I say, I'm trying to find the answer to it through my past experiences. Well it seems like he hasn't changed. Mark is still mark, even though he looks chubby now (he was just the same size as I am back in high school. >. <>

***

(This will be quite long so please bear with me XD)

That night was also quite disorienting for me. I ask my best friend, Sheryl, to drop by the house after work if she has nothing to do after it. I really don't know what came to me or what in the world am I doing asking her to come. It was so sudden that I was caught off guard again. But them, I already said it so might as well stand by it. Although it's the first she's ever going to socialize with my real friends, it was not the first time they have met her. They already known her many times when we we're still together because I usually bring her at the shop if I have something to pick up there. But I guess I have to re-introduce her to them since it's different now. Nostalgia came to me that time. I felt like it was just yesterday we we're happy together, but now she's with somebody else. And every time marks starts to talk about his problem, it always hit home and I start to feel the pain again. I don't blame mark for starting it since that's the real purpose why he's here, to let it out, for us to hear his side and help him through it. I just can't help but to feel the same way as him. Then I find myself murmuring words I shouldn't mention anymore nor to bring it up. I know Sheryl heard everything I have said because she was just right beside me at that time. I couldn't let my feelings out, I don't know why but I just can't. After my barkada left, she decided to stay for a while. We had a chance to talk about our lives now, how things have been doing now. She was telling me about her life in her new work and how comfortable she is there. But she still misses the times in our former work because that's where it all started. I told her I already put that behind me now and I'm trying to forget everything connected with it. Then all of a sudden she said to me "Parang kinalimutan mo na ko nyan kung ganun?” It hit home again and I started to recall the things she has told me just recently.

I wasn't doing anything at that time when I heard my cell phone. It was her asking me how am I doing and if it's ok to voice out something to me. I guess there's nothing wrong with that anyway. She then told me, how come that even if she's trying all she can to be happy, she'll just find herself crying and she also felt that she had lost everything she has before after we broke up. I really don't know what to reply then but I just said, well that must be our fate. She then surprise me by telling me, she still loves me and every day that passes by I'm still the one she's thinking even though she's with someone else. Every day it goes stronger than ever but she's doesn't want to go back either for she might just hurt me again but she wish that she could spend the rest of her life by my side. I was stunned there for a moment but then I realize, there's nothing I could do to it anymore. I just told her that I’d just be here if she ever needs me but I need some time to pick up the broken pieces of me. Things has never change for me, to the point that I still have these feelings for her even though she has cause me so much pain. I guess I'll just see through it whatever it may do to me. She closed our conversation that day by saying "bhe, I love you". I thought it was just a mistake for we she calls me now "bes" but the following words cleared it up to me. She told me that, I’d always be her "bhe" in her life. I felt my knees weaken and my heart starts to beat very slowly with matching heavy sighs. You can already guess what I did reply to her.

Now back to Saturday night, I was still in my world when I saw her staring at me and then just smiled all of a sudden. I kept silent at that time so she tried to change the topic. And so time pass by, she had to go home. I remember what mark told me before they left. He asks me what's the real reason behind the break up. I told him in straight to the point that she's already with someone else. He told me then " Pare, ang bait mo". I found myself wondering whether he's just being sarcastic or what but then, that wasn't Mark at all. I guess he was right; I'm too damn good to have someone just like her. I just wish that I can find the answer to all of the questions I'm having right and hope that I'll find it along the way as I try to move on and get back the life I had before.